I've decided to come out of hiatus. Being at home for 9 straight days with no end in sight has given me some new perspective along with about 3 years of growth and soul searching. When we arrived in North Country it began as a new start for all us. I wasn't quite sure how to do this. My whole life had been turned upside down from the past 18 months prior. We went from 2 major cross country moves within 9 months to, basically, losing a member of our family. It was way darker than just the weather. Thankfully, I had a few months to get acclimated to the new area before Big Chief headed out to the land of the Winter Olympics in Seoul that year. But it sure didn't make life any easier. The house was quieter. Baby Girl was quieter, but that changed, believe me when I say, everyone in North Country knows she's here. Things were just sadder. I didn't know how to live here and be happy. In all this beauty I had really lost everything.
I just started going through the motions and getting through each day. I stopped working in law because after the whole experience the previous months and years, I couldn't go back. It was too painful and quite frankly, I lost my will to enjoy it. It wasn't fun anymore and I found myself crying in the bathroom at work and wondering why I was here? I didn't have the fight to keep going in a world I had loved so much and taught others to love. It drained me. But I knew I couldn't sit at home, even that would have broken me more. So, I went to work at the school. Something part time until something better opened up. But nothing seems to open up here but even more shocking, I fell in love. Which is very odd considering I hate kids. I love my own, but lets be real, i hate yours. They're dirty and stinky and they like to hug. A lot. I don't hug. And the first few weeks were hard. And even Big Chief was surprised I kept going back. But I saw these cute little faces and they hugged me and I hugged back one day. When I started going to the middle school and high school more I started to realize that all the boys, reminded me of mine. Then I found out, I still cried at work. I'd sit and watch and wonder if thats what my boy did at school? Did he tell the same jokes and walk down the hall with the slouched shoulders too? Boy do I miss him. But somehow being with those kids kinda made me feel close to him. So maybe the school gig wasn't so bad? 3 years later, still showing up. I can't really imagine doing anything else right now.
But even with the school gig something still wasn't right. I was still angry and sad. I lashed out a lot. Im pretty sure everyone was walking around on eggshells around me. It got to the point that Big Chief wanted me talking to someone, my friends wanted me talking to someone, hell I think even the dog barked out one day...PROZAC!!! I was talking to my friends and family so why did I need to talk to a complete stranger who doesn't know me or what's happened? It wasn't until I was standing in the kitchen one day crying not catching my breath realizing something was really wrong and I made the phone call. I showed up to this lady's office, which by the way, nothing makes you feel more secure and comforted like walking through an abandoned post office to a dark office with furniture from 1977. Giving this guy who reeks of Jim Beam my social security seems perfectly legit. But I met with her in a dim lighted partitioned room with the hint of some sort of essential oil? Whatever relaxes you before they kidnap and sell you to the "trade". She was very soft spoken and asked me some basic questions. She asked me why I was there and the first thing I said was "Because my husband and my best friends told me I have an anger issue and depression and I needed to talk to someone before I rob a liquor store or cut my baby daddy". And then I cried. For 45 minutes I sat and cried. There was no conversation. There were no more questions. It was just me and a smelly basement rug and crying. Had to be those damn oils. Now I had no intentions of ever going back before I ever walked in. I was checking the block. But when I grabbed my purse she asked me about my next appointment and I just silently took the card and left. I showed up 10 days later. Went to the same room and cried again. What the hell is in those oils?? We did talk this time and she encouraged me to return. So I did. I kept going. And I kept crying. Big Chief was even allowed to go, but I was still angry so it was mostly me still crying and yelling at him for being there breathing and speaking. I think I even said the words...Look at him just sitting there breathing on my time!!! Clearly I had a lot to work through. They also make you take these tests to see what kind of "love language" you and your mate are, to see where the communication and breakdown might be. Naturally he was the hugger and affections and I was the doer and material objects. Didn't really need 45 minutes and a $100 to tell us that one. Needless to say, we continued to talk through it. The drives home after were always awkward. What do you say to the person who you love the most in this world after you've told the stranger that the mere sight of him walking in the house and being chipper all the damn time makes me want to set his harley on fire and dance the dance of my hill people in the driveway. Saying I still love you just seems inappropriate. But every 10 days he'd ask, are we still going, I want to go if you do. So I would go.
I think I started noticing things again without even realizing. I was smiling. One day I was just happy again. Not thrilled by any means, but I woke up and actually wanted to get dressed and do my hair and peruse my favorite style bloggers. One day I stopped dreading Big Chief coming home. That was a painful realization. I had resented him. He was happy and I wasn't. Then I started noticing Baby Girl. Holy cow, she's beautiful and graceful and full of talent and she's here and present and is amazing. I had been unfair and unkind to her. Any mention of her brother and I would get angry and walk off or say horrible things and shut it down. One particular song comes on the radio that he liked and I'm instantly immensely sad. I was mourning him and had no idea. But why would I mourn him when he's very much alive. Teenage boys are hard. They're even harder when they're so far away and have their own ideas, be their own or whats been put in their heads. But he isn't here and he is very absent from our lives. It was if I was mourning him. I can not imagine what its like to lose a child forever. But this pain I have in my heart has to be really close. But I acknowledged I was mourning him. So, I started going through the stages. Grieving. Still going through that one. Pretty sure Im still going through all of them. But I've learned you have to feel it to move on. I wasn't enjoying what was right here in front of me because I was so upset about what wasn't here.
I've started to really stop and look around and realize how much I love it here. How much I love the beauty of this area and the job I go to everyday. Baby Girl has advanced so much in her figure skating that I got drawn into her world and it gives me something fun to look forward to and be a part of. She helps me in ways she has no idea. Just watching her glide across the ice brings me peace in my heart. Big Chief is almost done with this part of his life. A new one starts for all of us very soon. I'm not sure what that looks like. We are used to having these special times where he leaves for 9 months to a year and I get to have full control of the house and eat Ruffles in my underwear while watching RuPaul's Drag Race on the big tv. I can go to Target 4 times in one day, thats perfectly normal. He's a hugger that one, I'm not sure our marriage can survive the hugging and his Barrett Jackson Auto Auction every day. But my counselor tells me that I need to keep him around because we balance and we're a good fit for each other. I think she's sniffed to many of those oils personally.
I have no words of wisdom or any advice if you are going through something similar, or something at all. I'm the very last person anyone should take advice from. Unless it has to do with what to wear to a cocktail dinner. You definitely want my advice for that. But what I do know is that sometimes we just need a little outside help to get us back on track. I had no idea when I sat down to write this piece, this was what would come out. I had an entirely different topic in my head. Funny how that works. Maybe Im still grieving tonight in my own way. But I hear Baby Girl's laughter just a few feet away from me and Big Chief is waiting for his plane ticket home to me. New adventures are coming. New dreams are happening. Life doesn't seem quite as gray tonight. My heart is reaching out South, in hopes that one day my first love will be back hugging my neck soon. I pray for him everyday. I will be here waiting, but he has to make his own choices. Until then, I have to prepare my sketches for Olympic Skating routines and how to divide the house down the middle so that me and Big Chief can live as one, separate, while meeting in the middle for dates. I hope he brings flowers and Cartier. I probably should order some of those oils that keeps me from punching him in the eye.
