To all us moms out there just trying to get through these times, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I see your Tik Toks, your FB pics, your cries and pleas for normalcy. I hear you sisters. Literally, I can hear you in my house from down the street! We're going to make it. We have to believe. I think if there's one thing we can all agree on after being trapped in the house with these monsters we created drunk on Boones Farm and bad decisions is that we should all send them back to school with gift cards to liquor stores and Kay Jewelers for their teachers! Teachers are the real heroes. I would sell my vintage LV handbag for the freedom that school brings me everyday. Whatever bonus or sick day or pay raise these people want they get it. No questions asked, just take all my taxes and write them a check. Here at our home front my breaking point came this morning when we had to draw an elapsed timed sun dial out of a stack of legos 6" high in the shape of the Statue of Liberty and do 1 online Science game. It ended with one kid crying and me yelling at the top of my lungs...."I CANT ANSWER YOUR DAMN QUESTION IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME THE FREAKING CHOICES? DO I LOOK LIKE THE ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANICA? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT BIOME WE LIVE IN. HELL? IS HELL AND OPTION BECAUSE WE'RE ALL IN HELL RIGHT NOW!!!!" There was crying on all counts. And apparently I live in the Decidious Forest biome for all you other 5th grade science moms. I have friends who have really taken on this homeschool thing. It's turned into the daily postings of the dining room turned school room. There are all these fancy charts they stayed up into the wee hours sipping wine and Pinteresting to get the perfect academic collage of stickers and drawings on. They have school, chore and extra curricular calendars posted. Everything is precise. That's so cute, Gwen. That was 2 weeks ago.
Now all those moms aren't posting anything anymore. Nada. No pics of the kids smiling at the table. No pics of the perfect family dinner at the table prepared by mama's little helpers. You know why??? Because all those houses fell to shambles. Those kids after day 3 revolted. They're holding those parents hostage by their own crafting shears. The cries you hear are those parents locked in their bedrooms begging for someone to swoop in and start beating some ass. Im still holding strong though. Probably because I snuck away. I crept out like a thief in the night in the rouse of going to get groceries. When really I went to Target and stood in the candy aisle trying to see as far as I could all the new Target Spring Collection of tees and loungewear. I didn't want it to be obvious that I was risking life to see tie dyed joggers. But at some point you have to flee in order not to kill your young. I love my daughter but she stands over my shoulder and breathes on me to watch me watching Tik Tok videos. Then she'll grab my phone out of my hands to tell me Im doing the scrolling wrong. How do you scroll wrong. Then around 7:00 pm every evening she gets her second wind. And its like someone turned my living room into Monday Night Raw. Its sooooo loud!!! There is a lot of leaping and interpretive dance. There is also a lot of girl emotions. A LOT!! Im dealing with a pre-tween who lives in her feels. There's crying. LOTS of crying and attitude. Im not even ashamed to say I sent this text to her dad living his best life in quarantine all by himself, with his own thoughts. I hate him today too.
I've completely 100% lost track on how long we've actually been confined home. It seems like at least 87 days? Gotta be close. I tried to have a routine while we're in these difficult times. The 10 minutes of online school work and the 30 minutes of chores doesn't keep her occupied long enough for a break. The weather has started to get nicer so we can go and take periodic breaks and walk to the mailbox or take the dog for a walk. And then boredom sets in. I know in my heart of hearts its only a matter of time before she realizes how to steal my credit card and start making Amazon online purchases. And from the looks of the porches in my neighborhood, she wont be the only one who stole daddy's credit card. I can tell you who's not hurting in the business world these days....buy stock in Amazon and chewy!!
I have no idea how much longer we're gonna be on lockdown with these little people or for some of you, husbands too. All I can say is this, we will come out survivors, 40lbs heavier, and ready to boost the economy again. If you see me somewhere eating white queso from the bowl, leave me be, Im living my best life at that exact moment and live in a judgment free zone! Take a minute to be blessed that we get these times with our tiny humans before they grow up and realize they are so much cooler than we are. And if you find yourself in times of trouble, detention is best served in the garage changing oil and rotating tires! God Speed to us All!
