Remember when we were kids and we couldn’t wait for that
call that school was closed due to snow!
We waited with anticipation and held off on our homework as long as
possible, said prayers crossed our fingers and wished on every star. When you come from the Midwest, getting
a snow day is rare. It damn near
has to be over the roof of your house before they would call a day off. Things have changed a lot since
then. Now, we have to be self
aware of every danger and minor incident that could conceivably happen and if there’s
a 2% chance you die of an icicle hanging off the gutter, they shut it
down. Ahh the good ole days. My kids will never know the pleasure of
going to the JC Penny parking lot on a snowy Friday night and doing donuts and
then hearing that one yell…HEY MAN I bet my Bronco can climb that snow mountain
up the light pole. COOL!! It’s amazing we’re all still
alive. It’s probably all the
gluten we had. And Jack Daniels.
But then we grow up.
And we don’t get summer breaks anymore or holidays and mom doesn’t come
eat lunch with me or send me with a note to my boss when I have the
sniffles. Nope, we have to do what
is called “adulting” now. It
used to be called being a grown up, but the Millennials are never happy with anything
prior to 2005, ever, so we’re adulting now. Yay ADULTING!
I’ve had 2 sick days this week.
My husband actually offered
to call in for me. That was sweet,
not sure the boss would have cared or found that amusing, but it was sweet nonetheless. And they say chivalry is dead?! I used to love going into the
office. I loved the dressing up, I
loved our clients, and I loved the people. I’m finding that well, I was obviously stupid. Because there’s nothing remotely fun
about people anymore. I’ve found
that just the mere sound of their whiney “give me more for nothing” attitudes
makes me want to throw my very expensive Manolo Mary Janes at their heads. Why isn’t my life as glamorous as
Carrie Bradshaw’s??? I mean, I dress way better than her anyways and yet I sit
an stare at a computer all day and wish my clients would fall out of a 20-story
building. I’m pretty sure I need
therapy for that. From what I
hear, Adulting means I can get Xanax and wine in a coffee mug at my
request! Ok, so there’s one
benefit of Adulting.
Sick days are nowhere near as fun when we’re Adulting as it
was during our carefree days. I
still had to do laundry. I can’t
watch old reruns of Miami Vice in dirty clothes. My dog requires me to feed her and still get up and
let her in and out. Then I start
thinking, what is everyone going to want to eat for supper, should I cook since
I’m home? Wait, it’s a sick day
I’m not supposed to cook. Peanut butter cheese crackers count as a
meal right? Then I start to
realize that I really hate Dr. Phil. He likes to remind us that it’s not his 1st
rodeo while making me feel like it’s my fault that his guests are screwed up
beyond anyone’s control. Why am I
feeling guilty? I’m also having a very in-depth
conversation with Phil and his guests as though anything I said really matters
or more importantly they can “hear me”. I also
spend no less than 2 hours on his message boards in a back and forth with Jane
in Cleveland because I need her to know that once a cheater always a cheater
and Sam is just going to continue to sleep with her Sister and that baby she’s
caring will bring her years of pain and agony reminding her of those times Sam
shared with Jane. I’m
already verclemped again. I do
enjoy Robin, she is very stylish in her designer sweaters and big skirts. But I wish she would stop with teeth
whitening, its starting to just get, well, creepy.
Adulting means I’m supposed to support my kids too. As in, I’m supposed to go to work 40+
hours a week, be a kick ass Paralegal and then make sure they are enrolled in
no less than 2 extra curricular activities a piece and provide snacks for the
activities because some one… a Millennial no doubt, decided that kids need
“healthy snacks” at every event and practice. I sent cheetos and Gatorade. I’m the cool mom. At these events you will come across the other
moms. I thank the good Lord above
that I have such a wonderful husband who took over the soccer mom duties for
the last couple of years for me.
He has been phenomenal at this. Because after one day of cheer season with these women
and I made the 1st coach cry and quit. What can I say I have a gift. But seriously, if your main issue with parents is “I don’t
like to talk to people” you may have picked the wrong activity to participate
in as a Coach. I forget we all
have feelings while we’re adulting.
I’m also supposed to make sure that the house is well put
together and the kids have clean clothes.
I decided that’s what the 13 year old was for. Genius really, teach him life skills, get an early start on
Adulting for the young lad. One
day he’ll thank me. You also
have to show up at school for lunches and parent teacher conferences. This is where you find out if your kid
is going to make it in college one day or if you need to make sure the basement
is big enough for him and his life long collection of commemorative Dr. Who
collectibles and Yughi Oh cards.
I’m not gonna lie, this terrifies me. Let’s just hope that the light bulb goes off and the girlfriend
he gets pregnant in 12th grade comes from a wealthy family and is
one of the those new age parents who believes in helicopter parenting, and
adopts him. When Adulting we
should always try to find the silver lining.
This week I’m really going to try and dig deep and hope that
I can find my inner peace and see the world with new eyes. A kinder gentler Deana Rae if you
will. Maybe the Yoga will
help. Maybe I wont want to tell my
clients that they wouldn’t need a lawyer if they could just dig deep and find
some act right and not think smoking crack and hanging off a pole would get
their kids back?? I’ll grab a $5
cup of Starbucks and read the Nordstrom Spring Line and imagine myself being
the bigger person. Wearing Stuart
Weitzman. Summer is coming,
Adulting means summer drinks by the pool.
Maybe Adulting isn’t so bad.
