Make the Lambs Stop Screaming

It’s that time of year again, our tiny humans are growing up and being shoved out the door to start new chapters in their lives.  It’s the day all mothers live for, BACK TO SCHOOL!!  The 1^st day of school outfits have been picked out, the brand new shoes are shiny and ready to go, the new back packs are packed with the $500 worth of school supplies and enough hand sanitizer and glue sticks to supply the entire country of Malawi.    This year, it was brought to my attention by another blogger’s blog that I may have committed a cardinal sin for the last 2 years and didn’t know.   I took my daughter’s backpack and had her name stitched on the front pocket.  I’m that mother that will have her name and/or initials put on anything and everything so it only seemed natural that her school bag should have her name too so as there was no confusion that the giant red and white polka dot Jansport with the Minnie Mouse cheer bow zipper charm belonged to my baby.  I had no idea that I had just given all the information necessary for child predators, convicts, and the Monogrammed Mom Squad needed to publicly ridicule me and beat me down for being the worst mother on the planet.  It really only took me a few seconds and a few keystrokes to let them know, sometimes fashion comes second to nothing.  I have the blisters from Manolos to prove this.   We decided to live on the dangerous side.   It’s been 2 years and oddly enough, she’s still in our possession so YAY us for managing not lose our child.

My daughter started 2^nd grade this year and our expectations vs. her expectations have been slightly a miss.  My daughter likes to “forget” things.  Last year we “forgot” 3 lunch boxes, 2 jackets and a pair of shoestrings.  To this day, I still don’t know how we lose our shoestrings….I guess that will be one of life’s little mysteries.   What she can remember is that she didn’t like her sandwich for lunch and she wants her $0.75 for her orange popsicle everyday.   Today was no different.  She forgot her homework folder.   So in my attempt to teach her responsibility and consequences we had a short chat.  In which it was relayed to her that since she forgot her homework, she would not be allowed any IPAD time tonight.  For those of you with 7-year-old girls, you know where this headed, fast and in a hurry.  Tears, lots of big crocodile tears.  A 7-year-old girl can fall on her sword and weep like no other human being on this planet.  There is a lot of drama and wailing and arms.  It almost makes you want to give in just so the madness of it all will stop, but you have the inner voice telling you to be strong, you can’t be worn down by a 7-year-old.   They smell fear and defeat.   The screams are so traumatic. 

After dinner she came up to me in her sweetest little girl voice and said she wanted to go shopping, would I take her shopping.  Now, normally I would have delighted in her new revolution to go spend daddy's money and give me an excuse to spend daddy's money.  But alas, the times they are tough with the recession, army cut backs, and my ability to not use my Nordstrom credit card.  Relunctantly, I started with the excuse that mama didn’t have any money.  So she suggested she could use her money.  Now I may have paused and actually pondered this and then I snapped out of my Target day dream and reminded her that she was in trouble and that I wouldn’t be rewarding her by taking her toy shopping.  Again, crying.  Lots of crying.  The kind of crying that Grandma can hear from over 7 hours away.   Ironically, I get a text that says to go ahead and give her the special box that will be showing up today, she deserves it.  How do they know????    It was clothes so I knew the wow factor wouldn’t be near as big as the American Girl Gymnastic Set we’ve been eyeing on YouTube.   I love it when I can crush dreams.   I had already rented a movie for her so I decided we would watch that.   After it was over we went to return it and while we’re in the car she asks me if the only thing she can do tonight is just watch her TV.  So we have the talk again, you’re not getting the Ipad or your phone to play on YouTube.  Again she asks, “so I can only watch my TV?”, yes, that’s all you can do.   So then with her sneaky eyes she says, “so I can watch Netflix?”   DAMN YOU ROKU SMART TV!  She almost had me.  So once again we have the talk, No you can’t have Netflix, you can’t have YouTube, You cannot hook up to anything on the Internet.  Nice try kid.   Crying again.   I can’t handle the crying.  Because now I want to cry and I’m driving and drinking while driving apparently is frowned upon.   At least I think it is here, we are in Alabama so who knows, it may very well be acceptable.  I should look into this.   The only thing I can think of is the McDonalds that’s right next-door.  I will bribe her with ice cream!!!  What kid doesn’t want ice cream???  Nope, she wants chicken nuggets.  Another conversation about how we just had supper we’re not eating supper again.  Ice Cream is the only option on the table.  Commence sad face.  She’ll pass.   Until I actually pull out of the parking lot and onto the busiest street in town, she’s changed her mind; she’ll take ice cream.  OH MY BLOODY HELL WHATS WRONG WITH THESE KIDS?????  Sorry, kiddo you missed out, say what you mean, mean what you say.   Crying again. 

I’m not sure when this crying thing stops.  I’ve heard tales of never.  That just seems so depressing to me.  I need something to look forward too.  I never did drugs, I didn’t drink while I was pregnant, I did eat an abnormally large amount of cheese is this what has caused the emotions?   Is it the dreaded gluten?   Why are our daughters so emotional????  Tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities and opportunities.  I’m hoping we come home with our shoestrings and lunchbox and the homework folder.  I hope we get to sit by our bestie on the school bus.  I hope that when I research the open container law in Lower Alabama it makes me smile, I need a good reason to get that elusive way too expensive Yeti tumbler.   But most of all, I hope tomorrow is a tear free day!!!  

The Pottery Anniversary

A smidgen over 9 years ago I was out on the town with my bestie enjoying ladies night at the local dance establishment near Ft. Campbell.  It was our Thursday night tradition after classes we would hit the scene.  And by scene, I mean that one dive bar that didn't make us pay a cover and we felt like royalty when we walked in because we had all our teeth and no wardrobe malfunctions.  We had just got there that night and I happened to look over to the table that was beside us and I saw him.  He had the prettiest blue eyes and smile.  So we tried and tried our best to make subtle eye contact but nothing was really happening.  Until the belch heard around the world.  My Bestie....and all the attention was immediately on us.  She has talents I will never ever be able to recreate.  Which reminds me...its been far too long, I need to get that weekend booked!

Those beautiful blue eyes and that smile made its way to our table and I was in!  We even got them to follow us all over town that night.  He refused to buy me a drink.  He saw no problem letting other random dudes buy my drinks that evening.  I found that strange.  Probably not nearly as strange as where the conversation would take us that evening.  Lies.  ALL LIES.  There were so many lies told that night.  But who thinks that when you're scamming boys out of free drinks and David Allan Coe Karaoke that those lies would come into play later!  Things to consider when you check your morals at the door.  I think at one point in the evening my name changed at least 4 times and ended with us being Laverne and Shirley.  Cause that seemed like a good story at the time.  I was only 24 years old that night.  (i was 30).   He told me he was 22 and was a mechanic (he was 26 and a pilot).  Good cause I hated Pilots and Special Forces, you were gonna have to go if you even tried to entertain our table with those crap stories.   At some point when we left that evening I had his number, he had mine.  He couldn't remember my name, I couldn't remember him.  So I saved him as 22 in my phone.  Apparently he saved me as "Girl".  Well, i was a girl, can't deny that.    This comes into play the next time I see him.

We text, we call, we chat.  And then I just show up at his house, invited by someone else actually.  Oh look, its a big ole party.  His Cav Family.  I walk in and everyone just stops and stares and he comes out says Hi and then leaves.  Just walks off.  Um, ok.  Well this isn't awkward with the all the staring and Jenna Jameson posters on the walls.  So me and the bestie, there we are hiding in a corner deciding what's the respectable amount of time to stay and then sneak out.  AND then you hear it..."who's that?  oh that's the girl he met at that bar."  Awesome, time's up lets roll!   Mr. Wonderful appears out of no where around the corner, there's a lady sitting on the couch mean mugging me...I find out later, thats his mom.   Great...now I'm the skanky girl who brought her own beer and her bestie to her son's house that apparently he picked up at a bar 4 days before and no one knows anyone's name and I'm being judged.  This is working out great.  Buh Bye...22.  

Some time goes by because at this point there's a holiday approaching.  Valentine's Day.   So it's funny how our texts seem to be moving right along in friendly chat and he would meet me for lunch some after I was done teaching......BUT our visits seemed to stall for a bit.  After February 14 he was back with a vengeance.  I see what you did there Big Chief!!!  He'll pay for that later in the marriage.  We started dating.  And when I say we...you don't just date the man in the CAV, nope, you date him and all his Besties.   I felt like that scene from Goodfellas, where she talks about how they only went on vacation with the inner circle, birthdays, holidays, it became normal.  Yeah, that's what it was.  One of his besties even smelled me.   Now that may have been a rather peculiar evening, but, I just sat very still like and once he got his fix, we were all good.  I guess I passed the test???   We're still close to this day.  Funny how that works.  I wouldn't trade any of those times or those people for anything in the world.  

It wasn't until one night late in the Summer, I was at work and got this call that he needed to know if could come get him from his boat out on the lake.  So after my night class was over, i headed out to the lake....over an hour away.   And there I find a man all happy.  Really happy.   Oh Lort, this is gonna hurt.  So it takes me another 2 hours to get him off his boat in my car so we can go home.  Some of us aren't pilots and rule the world, one of us needs to go to work tomorrow.  Now he's hungry.   Of course he is.   So here's what you should know....no one should ever have a serious conversation about life and goals when they've been on a boat since 8 that morning and partying with their new local Jimmy Buffet wanna be best friends.  This was about to get cray cray.  And unfortunately for the poor 16 year old girl working the drive-thru at McDonalds that night, she was about to witness the madness.  You should never start your conversation with : Damn it woman, what are your intentions with me, where is this going?   Cause this is not the answer you're going to like:  I'm taking you home to sleep this off, now shut up and what do you want????   I was not prepared for the likes of the spectacle that was coming my way.   WHAT???  NO, NO, I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND....I LOVE YOU DEANA RAE,  I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU....I GOT FRIENDS, I DON'T NEED ANYMORE FRIENDS!!  This did not just happen.  As we pull up to the window, the girl is just standing there speechless.    So I did what I thought was best....No you don't, you're in love with the idea of being in love, shut up, eat your sammich, and enjoy the ride back.   Never say "you're in love with the idea of being in love" to a guy who really thinks he's in love and has liquid courage and cheeseburgers in his hand.    I finally just said Alright....I really like you too, we have levels, I'm getting there.  Because, he's never ever going to remember this conversation the next morning.

Now, this man who I do love who can't remember any conversation, any outfit, any date, any significant event that took place during our courtship....oh he remembers this particular conversation.  And he reminds me about it on a surprise vacation for my birthday...that his mother planned....and decides we should get married.  He plays it off as a joke, because he couldn't find a chapel in such short planning.  I guess he forgot to tell his mom to plan that little event.   So once we were back to Woodlawn and I was dropping him off he asked me on his ugly brown couch to marry him, for real.  It really was a whirlwind romance.  It was crazy on all levels.  There wasn't really any one piece of this story that said this was a smart idea.  And yet, I couldn't say no to his blue eyes and his smile.  I just knew.  

We had only dated for a short 8 months.  I mean that alone is shorter than the counseling you do before you even get married.  The writing is clearly on the wall for this.  I mean, our entire relationship was based on lies.  We cleared all that up, eventually, ok, we're still kinda clearing up some of those lies to this day.  The ones we can remember.  We ended up in Louisville for a Cav Reunion and decided why not.  2 weeks after he asked me we went to the Justice of a Peace and said I do.  It wasn't the big wedding I know he wanted.  We didn't even have our rings until after the ceremony.  I'm also just glad that we learned each other's names before the ceremony because that would have been awkward.  I almost threw up in the bathroom 2 hours before we went to the Court House.  And then, it was done.  It was official.   I had a moment where I was happy, and I was going, Deana Rae what did you just do??   But then later that evening after our ceremonial Hard Rock Cafe dessert shooters in a shot glass, we went down to the reunion, and he introduced me as his wife.  He had his arm around my waist all evening.  And that was it.  I didn't care anymore, he was the one.  It was right.  

The next few years, he would be gone fighting the big fight over the big pond and training.  Baby Girl came along, and she was a big SURPRISE!   Life kicked in.  After 5 years of being married through the deployments and the training and the work schedules and his schools, we were together.  We had to learn how to be a whole family and how to love each other AND be around each other for more than a few days at a time.   He's seen my crazy, I've seen his.  He opens the door for me every time.  I forget to unlock his side, every time.  He still puts his arm around me and calls me "darlin".   I love that word, when he says it.   His blue eyes still sparkle and his smile melts my heart. 

It's been a rough year.  The roughest for our family.  There's not one place in the world I'd rather be than right by his side.  He holds me up.  He encourages me.  He accepted me and my faults.  I've failed over and over.   He picked me up.   He's my hero.  He's a success in his life because of "WHO" he is, not what he is or what he does.  He's not perfect, and I don't care.  He wipes my tears and makes me laugh.  He's a damn man. I feed him and keep him alive.  I love him with a love that I didn't know really existed.  I didn't know this was real.  There are days where I want to punch him in the eye and then snuggle in the manfur and listen to the nonsense he says that's some dumb man gibberish.  He changed me.  I will forever be grateful that every situation, every relationship, every moment in my life prior to him...lead me to him.  This was my rendezvous with destiny!   He refused to get me my piece of pottery to mark this year on our journey.  I thought a plate with our hand prints would be nice, he said...Damn it woman, I can't afford to pay attention after your birthday-anniversary-mothersday-just because-boots you bought 3 months ago!!!!  So today, I'll just take his undying love and soul and an IOU on dinner when Big Army says he can have a night off!  

Big Chief....I love you......and today, I won't put sour cream in the potatoes just for you!   Nine down.....a lifetime to go!

40 is the new 40

Happy Birthday to me, I'm 40!  What does that mean?  Well, I don't feel any different.  Sometimes I cant remember what I did yesterday or why I walked into a room, but other than a little dementia I seem to be doing ok.  I also have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm still younger, by a WHOLE lot, than my ex's current ex-con wife, so that always makes me light up with a little sparkle.  It's the little things in life.  My Birthday was pretty relaxing.  Sometimes uneventful is a good thing.  Besides, after the latest Nordstrom Anniversary Sale shopping, I knew to lay low!  I decided this was the year I was going to look at things with a new renewed vision.  Try to find the happy place.   That lasted about 24 hours and then....kids!

Today I managed to hit my breaking point and literally said out loud that they were all one step away from finding their pictures on a milk carton.   They'll have to look that reference up on the YOUTUBE to even know what that means.  Which won't be for another 24 hours because I confiscated everything in this house that hooks to wi-fi.  I've decided that whole "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle" business is a crock.  And if my car wasn't super clean and it wasn't raining, this girl would be making a run for the hills!  Apparently when I turned 40 I started to turn slightly into my mom.  Maybe just a little.  Or my kids are just paying me back for everything I did.  Probably both.   But since I'm back home I like to clean and cook and the kids like to make messes and eat me out of the house and they also seem to have some sort of dementia as well.  

Now at 40, I think there are a few things I've earned in life.  For instance, fudge stripe cookies.  I don't ask for much.  Ok, I don't ask for much on a daily basis.  Ok, when it comes to snacks, I don't ask for much.  There are 2 times in my life that I require an infinite amount of snacks and drinks....March Madness NCAA Basketball time and the Olympics.  I will sit in the ugly brown chair hooked up to a Mt. Dew IV and an end table full of chips, cookies and cashews and sometimes I'll yell out for Big Chief to come turn me or bring me tacos.  It's a well known fact that we know not to bother me or interrupt me or ask me if we can watch ROKU when the one sporting event only happens once every 4 years is on!  NO!!!   And yet, here we are, at the crossroads of a day that finds me without my fudge stripe cookies.  They were nice enough to put the plastic container back in the wrapper and back into the fridge empty so that I could feel the full extent of let down and heartache.  The sweet tea and Mt. Dew IV was dry as a bone.  Nada!  Potato chip bags were returned to the pantry with 3 crumbs in the bottom of the bag.  I found my inner demon today and she came out, at dinner at my table.   When my beautiful dainty daughter decided she didn't like the meal that had been chosen for her and commenced to puke in her own bowl.   I felt myself boiling on the inside.  Who's kids are these?  Why are they acting like this???  So I did what every calm mom does.....I blew up their worlds, beat them down emotionally, took away the media devices and placed a lifetime ban on their entrance into my kitchen, pantry and refrigerator.   NO COKES FOR YOU!!!   I fully expect their DT's to kick in, in the middle of the night.  

I also seem to be nesting lately too.  This also brings me back to satan's little helpers today.   It must be acceptable in the kid brain to throw all your trash in the floor and think thats ok.  I found band aid wrappers, pop tart wrappers under my couch, empty toilet paper rolls beside the toilet on the floor, tags from clothes and a maze of dirty clothes found in random places, like under the dresser.  So after I finished my F-bomb ladened lecture on the kitchen and how we don't live like white trash, I naturally walked into the bathroom and found the magical empty toilet paper roll still laying on the floor by the toilet.  One kid had just exited from his shower.   NO YOUTUBE FOR YOU!!!  It was at that moment I started counting.  Ten seemed to come too fast, so I counted to 20.  Then I took a shower.  Then I ate the brownies that I fixed only for me.  I ate those sum-bitches right in front of those lil fuckers and didn't share!!  DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTER!!!   

Big Chief was smart, even though during my 2 speeches he seemed to be motioning for me to wrap it up because he thought I was dragging it all out, he went to work and didn't speak.   You see, Big Chief seems to have been my sweet tea bandit.   He should be glad he gets to come home.  Oh, he'll pay for that.  He's still trying to figure me out.  He has to deal with all the regular girl emotions and now he gets the 40 year, not quite menopausal, but not quite normal, me too.  There's lots of emotions on any given day.  He never knows if Jeopardy is going to make me cry or he has to worry about sour cream being put in his scrambled eggs, or if his dirty girlfriend is going to show up.  He deals with many different personalities on a daily basis.  He probably should drink way more.  But doesn't that excitement keep it invigorating and on your toes guys??   

Even though this past year was and continues to be one the hardest and emotionally draining years to go through I've learned a lot about myself.  I learned that at 40, I didn't complete a majority of what I wanted to do.  I did learn that I can do whatever I want to because I have someone who's beside me who will encourage me to do any hair brained crazy idea I get the notion.  I learned its ok to mix patterns and I can wear white after Labor Day.  I think.   I can still hit a good volley on the tennis court.  I know that there's an entire world out there I haven't explored but I plan on it.  You only get so many opportunities to make the most of where you are, you should take advantage of that.  So let's see what 40 holds for me!!!  I sure hope Big Chief is ready for this adventure!