Today I managed to hit my breaking point and literally said out loud that they were all one step away from finding their pictures on a milk carton. They'll have to look that reference up on the YOUTUBE to even know what that means. Which won't be for another 24 hours because I confiscated everything in this house that hooks to wi-fi. I've decided that whole "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle" business is a crock. And if my car wasn't super clean and it wasn't raining, this girl would be making a run for the hills! Apparently when I turned 40 I started to turn slightly into my mom. Maybe just a little. Or my kids are just paying me back for everything I did. Probably both. But since I'm back home I like to clean and cook and the kids like to make messes and eat me out of the house and they also seem to have some sort of dementia as well.
Now at 40, I think there are a few things I've earned in life. For instance, fudge stripe cookies. I don't ask for much. Ok, I don't ask for much on a daily basis. Ok, when it comes to snacks, I don't ask for much. There are 2 times in my life that I require an infinite amount of snacks and drinks....March Madness NCAA Basketball time and the Olympics. I will sit in the ugly brown chair hooked up to a Mt. Dew IV and an end table full of chips, cookies and cashews and sometimes I'll yell out for Big Chief to come turn me or bring me tacos. It's a well known fact that we know not to bother me or interrupt me or ask me if we can watch ROKU when the one sporting event only happens once every 4 years is on! NO!!! And yet, here we are, at the crossroads of a day that finds me without my fudge stripe cookies. They were nice enough to put the plastic container back in the wrapper and back into the fridge empty so that I could feel the full extent of let down and heartache. The sweet tea and Mt. Dew IV was dry as a bone. Nada! Potato chip bags were returned to the pantry with 3 crumbs in the bottom of the bag. I found my inner demon today and she came out, at dinner at my table. When my beautiful dainty daughter decided she didn't like the meal that had been chosen for her and commenced to puke in her own bowl. I felt myself boiling on the inside. Who's kids are these? Why are they acting like this??? So I did what every calm mom does.....I blew up their worlds, beat them down emotionally, took away the media devices and placed a lifetime ban on their entrance into my kitchen, pantry and refrigerator. NO COKES FOR YOU!!! I fully expect their DT's to kick in, in the middle of the night.
I also seem to be nesting lately too. This also brings me back to satan's little helpers today. It must be acceptable in the kid brain to throw all your trash in the floor and think thats ok. I found band aid wrappers, pop tart wrappers under my couch, empty toilet paper rolls beside the toilet on the floor, tags from clothes and a maze of dirty clothes found in random places, like under the dresser. So after I finished my F-bomb ladened lecture on the kitchen and how we don't live like white trash, I naturally walked into the bathroom and found the magical empty toilet paper roll still laying on the floor by the toilet. One kid had just exited from his shower. NO YOUTUBE FOR YOU!!! It was at that moment I started counting. Ten seemed to come too fast, so I counted to 20. Then I took a shower. Then I ate the brownies that I fixed only for me. I ate those sum-bitches right in front of those lil fuckers and didn't share!! DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTER!!!
Big Chief was smart, even though during my 2 speeches he seemed to be motioning for me to wrap it up because he thought I was dragging it all out, he went to work and didn't speak. You see, Big Chief seems to have been my sweet tea bandit. He should be glad he gets to come home. Oh, he'll pay for that. He's still trying to figure me out. He has to deal with all the regular girl emotions and now he gets the 40 year, not quite menopausal, but not quite normal, me too. There's lots of emotions on any given day. He never knows if Jeopardy is going to make me cry or he has to worry about sour cream being put in his scrambled eggs, or if his dirty girlfriend is going to show up. He deals with many different personalities on a daily basis. He probably should drink way more. But doesn't that excitement keep it invigorating and on your toes guys??
Even though this past year was and continues to be one the hardest and emotionally draining years to go through I've learned a lot about myself. I learned that at 40, I didn't complete a majority of what I wanted to do. I did learn that I can do whatever I want to because I have someone who's beside me who will encourage me to do any hair brained crazy idea I get the notion. I learned its ok to mix patterns and I can wear white after Labor Day. I think. I can still hit a good volley on the tennis court. I know that there's an entire world out there I haven't explored but I plan on it. You only get so many opportunities to make the most of where you are, you should take advantage of that. So let's see what 40 holds for me!!! I sure hope Big Chief is ready for this adventure!
