Since about October of last year I’ve been perpetually stuck
in Meredith Grey’s dark twisty place.
I’ve tried personal dance parties to work it out and yelling at the man
always makes me feel better for about 10 minutes and then I find myself back in
the gloomy spot. I’ve gained a
good 15 pounds, but lets be real, this down time from working and all this
Netflixing and snacking is probably the cause of my weight issues. A can’t say no to queso and tacos. I just can’t. My butt has a permanent dent mark in Big Chief’s ugly
brown chair and my cute sassy self is now draped in old ratty tee shirts with
that weird grease stain from the washing machine and jogging shorts. My cute little Manolos are all tucked
away in the closet next to Kate and Sam.
You know its bad when the tiny human runs by me on the days I actually
do get dressed and says…wow momma why ya so fancy today????? And by fancy she means, why did you
wash your hair and use make up.
I thought maybe it was my age. I mean with all the weird black and gray hairs and the
weight gain and irritableness it surely has to be my age and hormones. Before we left little Mexico I had a
physical. It seems as though all
my levels were good. No thyroid,
nothing strange in the blood. The
advice they gave me was drink more wine and walk. Really??? Let
me tell you where you don’t want to walk and drink wine….. Corpus Christi. Because it’s literally hotter than the hinges on the gates of
Hell there and Ebola from the red tide could literally mame you. I’m not walking anywhere. I’m starting to think Big Chief may be right, maybe us
girls are all crazy??? NAH!
So I naturally went to the next possible cause, the
kids! All the pieces are starting
to fall into place. Things you aren’t supposed to say out
loud but I’m going to. There are
days where the mere sounds of the kids coming from the other room make me want
to punch babies in the face and tie Big Chief to the tree outside upside down
like an opossum. The
constant fighting, the constant moody Judys, the constant wanting things like
food and water. WHEN does it
stop? My daughter is 7. She cries. A lot. It’s
really to the point that every time I see her tear up I run. I’m running towards wine, but we’re
poor folk these days so wine is limited.
This adds fuel to my emotions. My 14-year-old boys are so moody I don’t know if I
should wind my butt or scratch my watch. And they smell.
Really bad. And then if I’m really lucky one
of them will want to talk, which is a rare oddity around here. No one likes to use their words. But every so often one of the boys will
decide they need to speak about something they shouldn’t speak about. Usually it’s around company and they
want to tell everyone about how they feel politically. That’s fun. OR sometimes they will wait until you are engaged in your
own thoughts just chilling on the couch and then wonder into the living room
and want to tell you stories that never end. Because they can’t find words. And I just sit there praying in my head…Dear Lord make
it stop before I slit my wrists.
Again, things we’re not supposed to say out loud. I’m really not crazy. One day, I’m told, they wont be moody
or smelly or dumb anymore. I’m
going to need more wine and a Sam’s Club membership.
I thought it was my old environment. I do believe living in Hell played a
big part in that. We were all
miserable there. It didn’t
take long for everyone to hate everyone while we were in Texas. It was hot, the people were rude, I had
very few good friends, but the ones I did make Im still in contact with and
glad to have them. We also lived
in the ghetto. The entire town was
the ghetto and it smelled. It’s
hard to find your happy in a place where you literally wish every day that a
terrorist attack would take out an entire city you lived in. But it was so bad, even terrorists were
sitting there going…you know what we’ll just leave them be that’s the worst
thing that could happen to them.
We were ecstatic about moving to Fort Rucker. And for a few weeks I was happier than I had been in
months. Our house is beautiful, we
have a pool, the kids have a nice school and my dog can poop outside with out
being eaten alive by a coyote.
Good times. And then life
happens. I’m still dealing with
grown up issues and dumb people who love to make sure you’re as miserable as
they are. No matter how hard you
wish crazy would take a vacation, it just doesn’t. I wonder how those people live so long? It must be even worse on them to spread
that amount of hate to other people.
How do you have that much energy because being on the receiving end is
exhausting. Taking the high road,
is exhausting. Trying to be
the bigger person and just get through is exhausting. I do a lot of praying and there are days where I can’t
imagine if I’m being punished or if God just isn’t listening to me. I keep saying, this too shall pass,
just keep going. But I’m
exhausted. I don’t want to fight,
I don’t want to argue, I don’t want to be in a position that requires me to
have to work so hard at being a good person and setting a good example. Being good shouldn’t be this hard. For the last nine years I kept
telling myself, this will die down.
At some point when you don’t respond and you ignore they will get bored and
move on. But they haven’t. Over the last year I have an
amount of hate and rage I didn’t know was possible to have. I go and hide in the bathroom and
cry. I don’t sleep. I can’t sit still. All I want is peace. A peaceful mind. But 2 people in this world have decided
that their own world is so bad and so miserable that they have to spread
it. I wake up everyday and
say to myself, you don’t get to control my emotions today. Today I choose to be happy. That’s a lot easier than said. Maybe one day, I can find that
place, but boy it’s a struggle today.
People in general, really do just suck.
Fort Rucker is a great place. It’s no New York City and it’s not home. But it’s a community that I’m
really happy to be in. I
miss working and hope to get back to it soon. Being out in the real world with other people made me feel
like I had a purpose and was contributing to the family. It’s been nice to be here
with the kids and take some time to breathe but I need to be productive
again. It’s hard when you’re a
military spouse to find a good job with all our moving. We’re seen as an employment risk. I get that. Why hire someone for just a few months or a year when you could have someone
who’s going to be around for your business as long as you are. It doesn’t make the disappointment that
less painful. Why oh
why was I in such a hurry to grow up and be an adult. My mom should have smacked me.
Today I woke up in a cheery mood. My dark twisty place is still there with the porch light on
tempting me to walk in. But today,
I think I’ll stay outside and enjoy the sunshine before the storms come
in. One day at a time, that’s all
we can do. We pray for our health,
we pray for our children to be healthy and successful and safe, we pray for
peace of mind and today I will pray for peace in my enemies. Maybe if someone steps up and tries to
be the good guy it will become a trend. I will pray for my family and my husband for having to
deal with me. And last but not
least, I will pray that the UPS man doesn’t lose any of my precious packages
from my twisty place shopping spree that Big Chief doesn’t need to know
about. And I will dance it
out to the Bee Gees.
