After a long stressful month of May the tiny humans have all
left for their visits with grandparents and biologicals. I don’t really remember the last time
me and the man have had a whole week of just us. I just know it was much needed. My daughter is 7 and we decided since we have an extra
phone that we would let her have it.
Give her something that made her feel like one of the older kids and she
can call us whenever she wants while she’s at grandma’s house. Obviously this was mistake number
one. At seven years old with
something new and shiny and technological its like my daughter has turned into
a tracker jacker. She’s
everywhere. And she can’t spell
real well so between the texts of “are you ther?” and “MOMA” every 5 minutes I
can’t say that she’s really been away.
Then she learned how to FaceTime.
And by God someone better answer, or she’ll keep calling back. She’s my own little stalker. Cell phone idea, probably not my best
idea.
Monday, was drop off the kid day. We drove just north of Birmingham, had lunch with the
in-laws, did the kid drop, awesome we’ll spend the rest of the day hanging out
in Birmingham and just enjoy each other’s company. Maybe I can get a purse out of this situation. (a girl can dream) The trip was fun but it was time to go
home and 15 miles from being home I get trapped behind the lady who was in the
“Where’s the Beef” commercials, you know the one couldn’t see over the steering
wheel driving her 1976 Cutlass Olds down the middle of the street. Only my lady was in a teal Prius with a
folded up bicycle in the back window.
I literally spent all my energy on having an internal fight behind the
driver’s wheel on why she needed to move over and how was I going to pass her
and then the obvious, honk your horn, throw your hands in the air, flash your
lights, throw her down in 3rd gear and blow her off the road. YES!! Get around her make the blind turn and BOOM I'm stuck behind
a semi! God hates me. So by the time we got home, I literally
sank into the couch and was done.
There was no hot lovin.
There was no making a bad into good. I was mentally and physically done with all the drama of the
last 15 miles and from the rest of the month. I say to myself, you have to try, look over at the man to
entice him with my come hither drunk Zyrtec eyes….he’s got the dog in the ugly
brown chair watching Street Outlaws.
So, I decided I’d eat a hot dog and watch Sister Wives. No magic time tonight. The thrill is gone.
Even though the kids are away, the man still has his Army
man duties. He goes to class and
the flight line every day and I stalk him. I’m sure at least 4 times a day he’s thinking to himself,
“cell phone for wife, probably not my best idea”. Before when he was in school, he was out by noon,
there was happy naked time and then we were off somewhere. Usually Panama City Beach and there
were lots of Margaritas.
Wooing was so much fun then.
He gets home at 5 now, and usually has a friend or two. The friends are fun and make for fun evenings
but I’m probably not going to be cooking lasagna naked for them. I think I just heard a collective sigh
of relief for that. You’re
welcome.
Tuesday started, I made all my necessary primping
appointments. I got all gussied up
and made myself look like what I think a cute girl my age is supposed to look
like. I naturally went with bubble
gum pink nail polish. I’ve tried
my hardest to avoid the lazy ponytail and the trendy messy bun. I was bringing the magic
back. We were about to have 50
Shades of Jesse (I have to credit his buddy for that one, and it is pretty
good). Tuesday, Ladyscaping
day. That ended with, don’t touch
me, I’m pretty sure my underwear is permanently glued to my vajay jay, you’re
going to have to give me a 24 hour turn around on this. My planning skills may need some work,
I clearly didn’t think this situation all the way through.
Wednesday is a new day, we got this. Its also wing night at the local
watering hole here in town. Ah HA,
this is it. We’re going to make up
for lost times and be all kinds of fun again, just what we need. I’m ready when he gets home for
the big night out. It’s
awkward. He’s hanging out in
his underwear looking at power points. I say, in my sexy voice…(not really)……You know we
could……..and what happens next well, I’m pretty sure we lost any cool card we
ever had and probably need an instructional video. We like to call it the blooper reel. Our Blooper Reel was so hilarious and
embarrassing, I don’t think either one of us can ever take the other serious
again. Here’s what I learned, as
long as you think in your own mind that you are sexy and doing sexy things and
keep in the character, that’s all that matters!! Just STAY in character, you planned that shit right
there. It was supposed to be like
that. Because if you break
character and lay in a ball in the fetal position naked on top of baby girl’s
craft box because you may have fallen off the make shift shelf you built on the
couch, you can't come back from that.
The Magic has dissipated and all sense of seriousness is gone. Just grab your dignity and pretend this
never happened. We will
never speak of this again. Why is
the dog staring at me like that?
Thursday we’ve had some time to recover and not look each
other in the eye or talk about it.
Talking is over rated. Its man-primping
day! YES!! I cook dinner, he’s getting purty. The study group comes over. No biggie. I’m having fun, drinking and eating and hanging out by the
pool. 9:30 rolls around. Apparently enchiladas and beers turns
into sleepy time. The magic is
clearly gone. I force myself to
wake up and the man is in a Supernatural marathon. Well, its time to call it. Friday is
coming, yes the weekend, that’s when all the crazy will happen!
Friday rolled around and I waited anxiously for the man to
get home so we could hang out. We
were on the non-plan plan.
YAY! After waiting all
morning I finally get the call he’s on the way home. And hour and a half later I’m thinking to myself, that 15-minute
trip sure did stretch out today.
Apparently it was take your friend to the barbershop and get haircuts
and neck massages day. Whatever, I
like his noggin. Grab the keys and
out the door we go. What are we
doing? We end up at the Harley
Davidson. Every girl’s dream
date. Then steaks at the
Roadhouse. Great I know what this
means, every time…puppy belly!!!
The rest of the day is going to be shot. Dinner is nice, not really a puppy belly incident but now we
need to go buy clay targets for the shotgun??? Ok, then a trip to the Mens Wearhouse for the perfect pocket
square. No luck, and there was
quite the stench that kinda puts a damper on the mood. So naturally we decided to track down
the Dothan Peanuts. Yes, little
fiberglass statues of Peanuts. Its
like a roadside attraction, I love this kind of thing. Out of 50 I’m up to 13. We made real progress.
Saturday rolled in with the thunderstorm and Serena Williams
getting beat in 2 sets. It’s going
to be a good day, indeed. But men
don’t think like women. Never have,
never will. So when they think its
business time, well, they think that the 1st thing they do in the
morning is roll over, and poke us….with “it”. You know, little nudge here, little nudge again as if to
say…HEY…IM HERE! Ok, guys, we’ve
been asleep for at least 7 hours, my bladder is full. So when you nudge me then throw your leg over the top of me
and land it on my bladder yeah, something’s about to happen and I don’t think
you’re gonna be up for that adventure!!!
No girl has ever woke up and said “geez, I wish I had someone to nudge
me in the back so I’d know its business time!” Ever. Not
one! And the morning breath that we can taste its so bad, who wants that in your face first thing. I dont even like to talk or acknowledge anyone before 10 am so this certainly can't go well for anyone. Our Saturday actually
ended up being pretty fun, a trip to the car show and some country cruising
then back home to hang out in the pool and just enjoy the rest of the afternoon. And then it happened; spontaneous…IT’S
BUSINESS TIME!!! Oh man, we were
on it. Like teenage irresponsible kids. And then it happened. One of us almost drowned, I ate a bug,
there was one cramp and one issue of how anatomy works in a pool. It was the Oscar’s of blooper
reels if there was to be an award.
One of us decides to take the party inside. One of us also forgot to turn the air off and the fans off
before we went outside. We
walked into an iceberg. Business
Time was officially OVER. One of
us laid in a winter blanket laughing hysterically while the other one just
stood there with defeat in his eyes, and some laughter. That’s it.
I don’t know what happened from the time we were dating and
fun and carefree to now. I’m
pretty sure it had to do with alcohol and no inhibitions. But whatever it was, I sure do miss it.
I also blame the kids. They’re always the root of all the
evil. You can never get the past back but you can always look forward to new
beginnings, and that’s just what I’m going to do. Keep on keeping on!
Maybe next weekend we’ll sneak out to the garage and try making out in
the car! Oh wait, it’s a standard,
someone’s gonna get poked and my bad leg……………………….
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