When my marriage to his father started to crumble, I went and built a wall around me to block anyone who was close to me. I held on to that marriage for more years than I should have thinking that this baby that was so precious would change him, change me, change us. That's what babies do they make a family. Unfortunately, that wasn't even close to being true. And deep down, I knew that already. But, for that little face I tried to pull myself together and ignore the signs, the emails, the secret letters and the secret phones. There was no saving this. And like all lies, they crumbled and the world came down, but I pulled myself together and went on. I had to, what choice do you have? Fall apart and be a victim or take back your control. I took mine back. I made a promise that I would protect that little boy and be the type of parent he would need me to be. No fighting with the biological, move on from the negative and focus on the important things. After all, once the papers were signed and filed this wasn't about our failed life together anymore, this was about making peace and having normal. And for a couple of years, we did. As a matter of fact, I found that I was actually friends with this man who at one time I despised and hated. We both had our faults but we moved on.
In a matter of a few years all those things crashed and burned. Being civil was no longer an option. Being in the same room was never going to happen. We did not speak his name. And soon the visits diminished. A new woman had come into the picture with her own family and this sweet little boy who had always had a father and a mother was now longer the front of his father's affections. Time between them got shorter and shorter. And I admit, the selfish part of me was glad to have him and that time together. But the rational part of me saw his hurt, and my heart hurt and for that I wanted this man to suffer. As time went on, the crazy got crazier. Things were said, more emails, text messages and phone calls. Just trying to survive without recreating CSI episodes was what drove us. I couldn't understand the hate this new woman had for me when we had never spoke one word to each other. I didn't even know what she looked like. But she hated me and decided to make it her mission to terrorize my entire family. She was so miserable in her new marriage with this man, who wasn't and isn't even close to what she thought she would have. Much like me, she hopes it will all change, but it wont.
And then the day come that for whatever reason...be it money, or guilt, or just plain evil he decided to come out of a year long MIA situation and be apart of this boy's life. I lost my own father when I was 18 to Leukemia, there's nothing worse in the world than losing the one man in the world who is the standard. Even though my son's father was and is no where near the standard or hold a flame to my own father, it was his father and he needed to know him. He needed that and I swore I wouldn't stand in his way. But like all uncivil unions, that wasn't enough. Court battles began. This boy was going to be the center of a situation that as a baby you never expect or see yourself being in. He was a pawn in a grown up game that he had no business being in. Tiny Humans aren't dice in your real life game of Yahtzee. I've carried hurt, heart break and anger inside me for almost a year since this journey began. I didn't know a heart could break so hard. You always think it's easy to say, sure go see that the grass isn't greener on the other side. But it's not. Because as mothers we aren't built that way. We aren't born with the gene that makes it ok not to be there when he wakes up in the morning and wants his pancakes. We're not equipped to handle the feelings of not seeing him go on his first date or enter his first day of high school. They don't send that to you in the brochure at the attorney's office when you're filing for divorce and think that having every other Christmas will be ok.
Mother's by instinct go into fight mode. And I was no different. No one was taking my baby boy away from me. Nobody. We hire lawyers, we research case law, we have evidence of the crazy, we have police records of the new step mom (yeah she's a gem), we have everything. The war is waged and we're all in. Multi-thousand dollar retainers are paid to lawyers who don't care about you, don't care about the other side, and certainly don't care about this child you've loved before he was even born. You become a warrior and you're so short sighted all you can see is the win. You can't let that bastard win and you certainly can't admit defeat to that horrible cancer he calls his wife.
And then you're sitting there in a cold law office going back forth arguing and fighting over dumb stuff; money and who is taking the tennis racket and who's not getting June for Summer visitation. In a matter of minutes, a whole lifetime of me and this sweet freckled faced little boy is being played in my mind like an old 8mm movie. I see his tears when he's hurt and his laugh when we're playing. And it hits me like a thunderbolt, this tiny human, is going to have to sit on some stand in front of his mother and father and a stranger in a black robe is going to make him physically say out loud, who do you want to live with? Who do you choose? Who do you love more?? Can a 14 year old boy even comprehend what's being asked of him? A boy that just wants to know his dad with his own vision, without any preconceived ideas? I know dad is ready to put him on the stand at all costs. Its been said to him since he was 5 years old. But dad isn't smart. But I am. I have a heart. What rational good parent makes their own child say out loud I choose you over them? I couldn't do it. And with tears flooding my cheeks I signed those papers in that cold drafty office and made that decision so that my child didn't. I didn't know a heart could hurt so bad. It was a long 13 hour drive home by myself.
His father will never understand the sacrifice I made, nor would he care. I'm convinced psychopaths have no empathy and I've known that man since I was 18 and have never once seen him show one ounce. He's a man who only cared about himself and his own hedonistic desires. But someone had to be the bigger person and show that sweet little boy, there is good in the world and one of us knew the right thing to do. I hope he finds what he's looking for there. I hope he gets his answers. I'm his mother, I will never go away, I will never stop loving him, I will never stop being in the shadows watching just like the 1st day he went to school. I'll know. And hopefully, when he's 40 and he has my grand babies, he'll know, his mother took the high road. He may not have agreed with her but he never doubted for one minute who's corner his mom was in.
In a world where everything that is wrong is right, I refuse to let that example serve as a standard for my children. I'm remarried to a man, he's my best friend. I was lucky to find him. He accepted me and my son in his life, he became the kind of man my son has looked up to for the last 9 years. He became the standard and he's the standard for my daughter. I like to think that my father would be proud of me, proud of my family. Because this man I married, is everything I think my father would want me to have. My 1st biggest mistake in my life lead me to the love of my life. My son is lucky to have had a wonderful man for a stepfather, and a man that will always be there for him. You have to find your silver lining and set the example. Its all we have. Thank you Jesse, for being the standard and showing me love, support, and a shoulder through everything. They can't stop us. And to my son, you are my 1st born, the apple of my eye and the young man I've had the honor to raise for the last 14 years, you are a gift that I will treasure forever. Don't forget to brush your teeth!
