Make the Lambs Stop Screaming

It’s that time of year again, our tiny humans are growing up and being shoved out the door to start new chapters in their lives.  It’s the day all mothers live for, BACK TO SCHOOL!!  The 1^st day of school outfits have been picked out, the brand new shoes are shiny and ready to go, the new back packs are packed with the $500 worth of school supplies and enough hand sanitizer and glue sticks to supply the entire country of Malawi.    This year, it was brought to my attention by another blogger’s blog that I may have committed a cardinal sin for the last 2 years and didn’t know.   I took my daughter’s backpack and had her name stitched on the front pocket.  I’m that mother that will have her name and/or initials put on anything and everything so it only seemed natural that her school bag should have her name too so as there was no confusion that the giant red and white polka dot Jansport with the Minnie Mouse cheer bow zipper charm belonged to my baby.  I had no idea that I had just given all the information necessary for child predators, convicts, and the Monogrammed Mom Squad needed to publicly ridicule me and beat me down for being the worst mother on the planet.  It really only took me a few seconds and a few keystrokes to let them know, sometimes fashion comes second to nothing.  I have the blisters from Manolos to prove this.   We decided to live on the dangerous side.   It’s been 2 years and oddly enough, she’s still in our possession so YAY us for managing not lose our child.

My daughter started 2^nd grade this year and our expectations vs. her expectations have been slightly a miss.  My daughter likes to “forget” things.  Last year we “forgot” 3 lunch boxes, 2 jackets and a pair of shoestrings.  To this day, I still don’t know how we lose our shoestrings….I guess that will be one of life’s little mysteries.   What she can remember is that she didn’t like her sandwich for lunch and she wants her $0.75 for her orange popsicle everyday.   Today was no different.  She forgot her homework folder.   So in my attempt to teach her responsibility and consequences we had a short chat.  In which it was relayed to her that since she forgot her homework, she would not be allowed any IPAD time tonight.  For those of you with 7-year-old girls, you know where this headed, fast and in a hurry.  Tears, lots of big crocodile tears.  A 7-year-old girl can fall on her sword and weep like no other human being on this planet.  There is a lot of drama and wailing and arms.  It almost makes you want to give in just so the madness of it all will stop, but you have the inner voice telling you to be strong, you can’t be worn down by a 7-year-old.   They smell fear and defeat.   The screams are so traumatic. 

After dinner she came up to me in her sweetest little girl voice and said she wanted to go shopping, would I take her shopping.  Now, normally I would have delighted in her new revolution to go spend daddy's money and give me an excuse to spend daddy's money.  But alas, the times they are tough with the recession, army cut backs, and my ability to not use my Nordstrom credit card.  Relunctantly, I started with the excuse that mama didn’t have any money.  So she suggested she could use her money.  Now I may have paused and actually pondered this and then I snapped out of my Target day dream and reminded her that she was in trouble and that I wouldn’t be rewarding her by taking her toy shopping.  Again, crying.  Lots of crying.  The kind of crying that Grandma can hear from over 7 hours away.   Ironically, I get a text that says to go ahead and give her the special box that will be showing up today, she deserves it.  How do they know????    It was clothes so I knew the wow factor wouldn’t be near as big as the American Girl Gymnastic Set we’ve been eyeing on YouTube.   I love it when I can crush dreams.   I had already rented a movie for her so I decided we would watch that.   After it was over we went to return it and while we’re in the car she asks me if the only thing she can do tonight is just watch her TV.  So we have the talk again, you’re not getting the Ipad or your phone to play on YouTube.  Again she asks, “so I can only watch my TV?”, yes, that’s all you can do.   So then with her sneaky eyes she says, “so I can watch Netflix?”   DAMN YOU ROKU SMART TV!  She almost had me.  So once again we have the talk, No you can’t have Netflix, you can’t have YouTube, You cannot hook up to anything on the Internet.  Nice try kid.   Crying again.   I can’t handle the crying.  Because now I want to cry and I’m driving and drinking while driving apparently is frowned upon.   At least I think it is here, we are in Alabama so who knows, it may very well be acceptable.  I should look into this.   The only thing I can think of is the McDonalds that’s right next-door.  I will bribe her with ice cream!!!  What kid doesn’t want ice cream???  Nope, she wants chicken nuggets.  Another conversation about how we just had supper we’re not eating supper again.  Ice Cream is the only option on the table.  Commence sad face.  She’ll pass.   Until I actually pull out of the parking lot and onto the busiest street in town, she’s changed her mind; she’ll take ice cream.  OH MY BLOODY HELL WHATS WRONG WITH THESE KIDS?????  Sorry, kiddo you missed out, say what you mean, mean what you say.   Crying again. 

I’m not sure when this crying thing stops.  I’ve heard tales of never.  That just seems so depressing to me.  I need something to look forward too.  I never did drugs, I didn’t drink while I was pregnant, I did eat an abnormally large amount of cheese is this what has caused the emotions?   Is it the dreaded gluten?   Why are our daughters so emotional????  Tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities and opportunities.  I’m hoping we come home with our shoestrings and lunchbox and the homework folder.  I hope we get to sit by our bestie on the school bus.  I hope that when I research the open container law in Lower Alabama it makes me smile, I need a good reason to get that elusive way too expensive Yeti tumbler.   But most of all, I hope tomorrow is a tear free day!!!  

The Pottery Anniversary

A smidgen over 9 years ago I was out on the town with my bestie enjoying ladies night at the local dance establishment near Ft. Campbell.  It was our Thursday night tradition after classes we would hit the scene.  And by scene, I mean that one dive bar that didn't make us pay a cover and we felt like royalty when we walked in because we had all our teeth and no wardrobe malfunctions.  We had just got there that night and I happened to look over to the table that was beside us and I saw him.  He had the prettiest blue eyes and smile.  So we tried and tried our best to make subtle eye contact but nothing was really happening.  Until the belch heard around the world.  My Bestie....and all the attention was immediately on us.  She has talents I will never ever be able to recreate.  Which reminds me...its been far too long, I need to get that weekend booked!

Those beautiful blue eyes and that smile made its way to our table and I was in!  We even got them to follow us all over town that night.  He refused to buy me a drink.  He saw no problem letting other random dudes buy my drinks that evening.  I found that strange.  Probably not nearly as strange as where the conversation would take us that evening.  Lies.  ALL LIES.  There were so many lies told that night.  But who thinks that when you're scamming boys out of free drinks and David Allan Coe Karaoke that those lies would come into play later!  Things to consider when you check your morals at the door.  I think at one point in the evening my name changed at least 4 times and ended with us being Laverne and Shirley.  Cause that seemed like a good story at the time.  I was only 24 years old that night.  (i was 30).   He told me he was 22 and was a mechanic (he was 26 and a pilot).  Good cause I hated Pilots and Special Forces, you were gonna have to go if you even tried to entertain our table with those crap stories.   At some point when we left that evening I had his number, he had mine.  He couldn't remember my name, I couldn't remember him.  So I saved him as 22 in my phone.  Apparently he saved me as "Girl".  Well, i was a girl, can't deny that.    This comes into play the next time I see him.

We text, we call, we chat.  And then I just show up at his house, invited by someone else actually.  Oh look, its a big ole party.  His Cav Family.  I walk in and everyone just stops and stares and he comes out says Hi and then leaves.  Just walks off.  Um, ok.  Well this isn't awkward with the all the staring and Jenna Jameson posters on the walls.  So me and the bestie, there we are hiding in a corner deciding what's the respectable amount of time to stay and then sneak out.  AND then you hear it..."who's that?  oh that's the girl he met at that bar."  Awesome, time's up lets roll!   Mr. Wonderful appears out of no where around the corner, there's a lady sitting on the couch mean mugging me...I find out later, thats his mom.   Great...now I'm the skanky girl who brought her own beer and her bestie to her son's house that apparently he picked up at a bar 4 days before and no one knows anyone's name and I'm being judged.  This is working out great.  Buh Bye...22.  

Some time goes by because at this point there's a holiday approaching.  Valentine's Day.   So it's funny how our texts seem to be moving right along in friendly chat and he would meet me for lunch some after I was done teaching......BUT our visits seemed to stall for a bit.  After February 14 he was back with a vengeance.  I see what you did there Big Chief!!!  He'll pay for that later in the marriage.  We started dating.  And when I say we...you don't just date the man in the CAV, nope, you date him and all his Besties.   I felt like that scene from Goodfellas, where she talks about how they only went on vacation with the inner circle, birthdays, holidays, it became normal.  Yeah, that's what it was.  One of his besties even smelled me.   Now that may have been a rather peculiar evening, but, I just sat very still like and once he got his fix, we were all good.  I guess I passed the test???   We're still close to this day.  Funny how that works.  I wouldn't trade any of those times or those people for anything in the world.  

It wasn't until one night late in the Summer, I was at work and got this call that he needed to know if could come get him from his boat out on the lake.  So after my night class was over, i headed out to the lake....over an hour away.   And there I find a man all happy.  Really happy.   Oh Lort, this is gonna hurt.  So it takes me another 2 hours to get him off his boat in my car so we can go home.  Some of us aren't pilots and rule the world, one of us needs to go to work tomorrow.  Now he's hungry.   Of course he is.   So here's what you should know....no one should ever have a serious conversation about life and goals when they've been on a boat since 8 that morning and partying with their new local Jimmy Buffet wanna be best friends.  This was about to get cray cray.  And unfortunately for the poor 16 year old girl working the drive-thru at McDonalds that night, she was about to witness the madness.  You should never start your conversation with : Damn it woman, what are your intentions with me, where is this going?   Cause this is not the answer you're going to like:  I'm taking you home to sleep this off, now shut up and what do you want????   I was not prepared for the likes of the spectacle that was coming my way.   WHAT???  NO, NO, I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND....I LOVE YOU DEANA RAE,  I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU....I GOT FRIENDS, I DON'T NEED ANYMORE FRIENDS!!  This did not just happen.  As we pull up to the window, the girl is just standing there speechless.    So I did what I thought was best....No you don't, you're in love with the idea of being in love, shut up, eat your sammich, and enjoy the ride back.   Never say "you're in love with the idea of being in love" to a guy who really thinks he's in love and has liquid courage and cheeseburgers in his hand.    I finally just said Alright....I really like you too, we have levels, I'm getting there.  Because, he's never ever going to remember this conversation the next morning.

Now, this man who I do love who can't remember any conversation, any outfit, any date, any significant event that took place during our courtship....oh he remembers this particular conversation.  And he reminds me about it on a surprise vacation for my birthday...that his mother planned....and decides we should get married.  He plays it off as a joke, because he couldn't find a chapel in such short planning.  I guess he forgot to tell his mom to plan that little event.   So once we were back to Woodlawn and I was dropping him off he asked me on his ugly brown couch to marry him, for real.  It really was a whirlwind romance.  It was crazy on all levels.  There wasn't really any one piece of this story that said this was a smart idea.  And yet, I couldn't say no to his blue eyes and his smile.  I just knew.  

We had only dated for a short 8 months.  I mean that alone is shorter than the counseling you do before you even get married.  The writing is clearly on the wall for this.  I mean, our entire relationship was based on lies.  We cleared all that up, eventually, ok, we're still kinda clearing up some of those lies to this day.  The ones we can remember.  We ended up in Louisville for a Cav Reunion and decided why not.  2 weeks after he asked me we went to the Justice of a Peace and said I do.  It wasn't the big wedding I know he wanted.  We didn't even have our rings until after the ceremony.  I'm also just glad that we learned each other's names before the ceremony because that would have been awkward.  I almost threw up in the bathroom 2 hours before we went to the Court House.  And then, it was done.  It was official.   I had a moment where I was happy, and I was going, Deana Rae what did you just do??   But then later that evening after our ceremonial Hard Rock Cafe dessert shooters in a shot glass, we went down to the reunion, and he introduced me as his wife.  He had his arm around my waist all evening.  And that was it.  I didn't care anymore, he was the one.  It was right.  

The next few years, he would be gone fighting the big fight over the big pond and training.  Baby Girl came along, and she was a big SURPRISE!   Life kicked in.  After 5 years of being married through the deployments and the training and the work schedules and his schools, we were together.  We had to learn how to be a whole family and how to love each other AND be around each other for more than a few days at a time.   He's seen my crazy, I've seen his.  He opens the door for me every time.  I forget to unlock his side, every time.  He still puts his arm around me and calls me "darlin".   I love that word, when he says it.   His blue eyes still sparkle and his smile melts my heart. 

It's been a rough year.  The roughest for our family.  There's not one place in the world I'd rather be than right by his side.  He holds me up.  He encourages me.  He accepted me and my faults.  I've failed over and over.   He picked me up.   He's my hero.  He's a success in his life because of "WHO" he is, not what he is or what he does.  He's not perfect, and I don't care.  He wipes my tears and makes me laugh.  He's a damn man. I feed him and keep him alive.  I love him with a love that I didn't know really existed.  I didn't know this was real.  There are days where I want to punch him in the eye and then snuggle in the manfur and listen to the nonsense he says that's some dumb man gibberish.  He changed me.  I will forever be grateful that every situation, every relationship, every moment in my life prior to him...lead me to him.  This was my rendezvous with destiny!   He refused to get me my piece of pottery to mark this year on our journey.  I thought a plate with our hand prints would be nice, he said...Damn it woman, I can't afford to pay attention after your birthday-anniversary-mothersday-just because-boots you bought 3 months ago!!!!  So today, I'll just take his undying love and soul and an IOU on dinner when Big Army says he can have a night off!  

Big Chief....I love you......and today, I won't put sour cream in the potatoes just for you!   Nine down.....a lifetime to go!

40 is the new 40

Happy Birthday to me, I'm 40!  What does that mean?  Well, I don't feel any different.  Sometimes I cant remember what I did yesterday or why I walked into a room, but other than a little dementia I seem to be doing ok.  I also have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm still younger, by a WHOLE lot, than my ex's current ex-con wife, so that always makes me light up with a little sparkle.  It's the little things in life.  My Birthday was pretty relaxing.  Sometimes uneventful is a good thing.  Besides, after the latest Nordstrom Anniversary Sale shopping, I knew to lay low!  I decided this was the year I was going to look at things with a new renewed vision.  Try to find the happy place.   That lasted about 24 hours and then....kids!

Today I managed to hit my breaking point and literally said out loud that they were all one step away from finding their pictures on a milk carton.   They'll have to look that reference up on the YOUTUBE to even know what that means.  Which won't be for another 24 hours because I confiscated everything in this house that hooks to wi-fi.  I've decided that whole "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle" business is a crock.  And if my car wasn't super clean and it wasn't raining, this girl would be making a run for the hills!  Apparently when I turned 40 I started to turn slightly into my mom.  Maybe just a little.  Or my kids are just paying me back for everything I did.  Probably both.   But since I'm back home I like to clean and cook and the kids like to make messes and eat me out of the house and they also seem to have some sort of dementia as well.  

Now at 40, I think there are a few things I've earned in life.  For instance, fudge stripe cookies.  I don't ask for much.  Ok, I don't ask for much on a daily basis.  Ok, when it comes to snacks, I don't ask for much.  There are 2 times in my life that I require an infinite amount of snacks and drinks....March Madness NCAA Basketball time and the Olympics.  I will sit in the ugly brown chair hooked up to a Mt. Dew IV and an end table full of chips, cookies and cashews and sometimes I'll yell out for Big Chief to come turn me or bring me tacos.  It's a well known fact that we know not to bother me or interrupt me or ask me if we can watch ROKU when the one sporting event only happens once every 4 years is on!  NO!!!   And yet, here we are, at the crossroads of a day that finds me without my fudge stripe cookies.  They were nice enough to put the plastic container back in the wrapper and back into the fridge empty so that I could feel the full extent of let down and heartache.  The sweet tea and Mt. Dew IV was dry as a bone.  Nada!  Potato chip bags were returned to the pantry with 3 crumbs in the bottom of the bag.  I found my inner demon today and she came out, at dinner at my table.   When my beautiful dainty daughter decided she didn't like the meal that had been chosen for her and commenced to puke in her own bowl.   I felt myself boiling on the inside.  Who's kids are these?  Why are they acting like this???  So I did what every calm mom does.....I blew up their worlds, beat them down emotionally, took away the media devices and placed a lifetime ban on their entrance into my kitchen, pantry and refrigerator.   NO COKES FOR YOU!!!   I fully expect their DT's to kick in, in the middle of the night.  

I also seem to be nesting lately too.  This also brings me back to satan's little helpers today.   It must be acceptable in the kid brain to throw all your trash in the floor and think thats ok.  I found band aid wrappers, pop tart wrappers under my couch, empty toilet paper rolls beside the toilet on the floor, tags from clothes and a maze of dirty clothes found in random places, like under the dresser.  So after I finished my F-bomb ladened lecture on the kitchen and how we don't live like white trash, I naturally walked into the bathroom and found the magical empty toilet paper roll still laying on the floor by the toilet.  One kid had just exited from his shower.   NO YOUTUBE FOR YOU!!!  It was at that moment I started counting.  Ten seemed to come too fast, so I counted to 20.  Then I took a shower.  Then I ate the brownies that I fixed only for me.  I ate those sum-bitches right in front of those lil fuckers and didn't share!!  DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTER!!!   

Big Chief was smart, even though during my 2 speeches he seemed to be motioning for me to wrap it up because he thought I was dragging it all out, he went to work and didn't speak.   You see, Big Chief seems to have been my sweet tea bandit.   He should be glad he gets to come home.  Oh, he'll pay for that.  He's still trying to figure me out.  He has to deal with all the regular girl emotions and now he gets the 40 year, not quite menopausal, but not quite normal, me too.  There's lots of emotions on any given day.  He never knows if Jeopardy is going to make me cry or he has to worry about sour cream being put in his scrambled eggs, or if his dirty girlfriend is going to show up.  He deals with many different personalities on a daily basis.  He probably should drink way more.  But doesn't that excitement keep it invigorating and on your toes guys??   

Even though this past year was and continues to be one the hardest and emotionally draining years to go through I've learned a lot about myself.  I learned that at 40, I didn't complete a majority of what I wanted to do.  I did learn that I can do whatever I want to because I have someone who's beside me who will encourage me to do any hair brained crazy idea I get the notion.  I learned its ok to mix patterns and I can wear white after Labor Day.  I think.   I can still hit a good volley on the tennis court.  I know that there's an entire world out there I haven't explored but I plan on it.  You only get so many opportunities to make the most of where you are, you should take advantage of that.  So let's see what 40 holds for me!!!  I sure hope Big Chief is ready for this adventure!

The Dark Twisty Place

Since about October of last year I’ve been perpetually stuck in Meredith Grey’s dark twisty place.  I’ve tried personal dance parties to work it out and yelling at the man always makes me feel better for about 10 minutes and then I find myself back in the gloomy spot.  I’ve gained a good 15 pounds, but lets be real, this down time from working and all this Netflixing and snacking is probably the cause of my weight issues.  A can’t say no to queso and tacos.  I just can’t.   My butt has a permanent dent mark in Big Chief’s ugly brown chair and my cute sassy self is now draped in old ratty tee shirts with that weird grease stain from the washing machine and jogging shorts.  My cute little Manolos are all tucked away in the closet next to Kate and Sam.  You know its bad when the tiny human runs by me on the days I actually do get dressed and says…wow momma why ya so fancy today?????  And by fancy she means, why did you wash your hair and use make up.

I thought maybe it was my age.   I mean with all the weird black and gray hairs and the weight gain and irritableness it surely has to be my age and hormones.  Before we left little Mexico I had a physical.  It seems as though all my levels were good.  No thyroid, nothing strange in the blood.  The advice they gave me was drink more wine and walk.  Really???  Let me tell you where you don’t want to walk and drink wine….. Corpus Christi.   Because it’s literally hotter than the hinges on the gates of Hell there and Ebola from the red tide could literally mame you.   I’m not walking anywhere.    I’m starting to think Big Chief may be right, maybe us girls are all crazy???   NAH!

So I naturally went to the next possible cause, the kids!  All the pieces are starting to fall into place.   Things you aren’t supposed to say out loud but I’m going to.  There are days where the mere sounds of the kids coming from the other room make me want to punch babies in the face and tie Big Chief to the tree outside upside down like an opossum.   The constant fighting, the constant moody Judys, the constant wanting things like food and water.   WHEN does it stop?  My daughter is 7.  She cries.  A lot.  It’s really to the point that every time I see her tear up I run.  I’m running towards wine, but we’re poor folk these days so wine is limited.  This adds fuel to my emotions.   My 14-year-old boys are so moody I don’t know if I should wind my butt or scratch my watch.   And they smell.  Really bad.     And then if I’m really lucky one of them will want to talk, which is a rare oddity around here.  No one likes to use their words.  But every so often one of the boys will decide they need to speak about something they shouldn’t speak about.  Usually it’s around company and they want to tell everyone about how they feel politically.  That’s fun.  OR sometimes they will wait until you are engaged in your own thoughts just chilling on the couch and then wonder into the living room and want to tell you stories that never end.  Because they can’t find words.   And I just sit there praying in my head…Dear Lord make it stop before I slit my wrists.  Again, things we’re not supposed to say out loud.  I’m really not crazy.  One day, I’m told, they wont be moody or smelly or dumb anymore.  I’m going to need more wine and a Sam’s Club membership.  

I thought it was my old environment.  I do believe living in Hell played a big part in that.  We were all miserable there.   It didn’t take long for everyone to hate everyone while we were in Texas.  It was hot, the people were rude, I had very few good friends, but the ones I did make Im still in contact with and glad to have them.  We also lived in the ghetto.  The entire town was the ghetto and it smelled.  It’s hard to find your happy in a place where you literally wish every day that a terrorist attack would take out an entire city you lived in.  But it was so bad, even terrorists were sitting there going…you know what we’ll just leave them be that’s the worst thing that could happen to them.  We were ecstatic about moving to Fort Rucker.  And for a few weeks I was happier than I had been in months.  Our house is beautiful, we have a pool, the kids have a nice school and my dog can poop outside with out being eaten alive by a coyote.  Good times.  And then life happens.  I’m still dealing with grown up issues and dumb people who love to make sure you’re as miserable as they are.  No matter how hard you wish crazy would take a vacation, it just doesn’t.  I wonder how those people live so long?  It must be even worse on them to spread that amount of hate to other people.  How do you have that much energy because being on the receiving end is exhausting.  Taking the high road, is exhausting.   Trying to be the bigger person and just get through is exhausting.  I do a lot of praying and there are days where I can’t imagine if I’m being punished or if God just isn’t listening to me.  I keep saying, this too shall pass, just keep going.   But I’m exhausted.  I don’t want to fight, I don’t want to argue, I don’t want to be in a position that requires me to have to work so hard at being a good person and setting a good example.  Being good shouldn’t be this hard.   For the last nine years I kept telling myself, this will die down.  At some point when you don’t respond and you ignore they will get bored and move on.  But they haven’t.   Over the last year I have an amount of hate and rage I didn’t know was possible to have.   I go and hide in the bathroom and cry.   I don’t sleep.   I can’t sit still.   All I want is peace.  A peaceful mind.  But 2 people in this world have decided that their own world is so bad and so miserable that they have to spread it.   I wake up everyday and say to myself, you don’t get to control my emotions today.  Today I choose to be happy.  That’s a lot easier than said.   Maybe one day, I can find that place, but boy it’s a struggle today.  People in general, really do just suck.

Fort Rucker is a great place.  It’s no New York City and it’s not home.   But it’s a community that I’m really happy to be in.   I miss working and hope to get back to it soon.  Being out in the real world with other people made me feel like I had a purpose and was contributing to the family.    It’s been nice to be here with the kids and take some time to breathe but I need to be productive again.  It’s hard when you’re a military spouse to find a good job with all our moving.  We’re seen as an employment risk.  I get that.  Why hire someone for just a few months  or a year when you could have someone who’s going to be around for your business as long as you are.  It doesn’t make the disappointment that less painful.    Why oh why was I in such a hurry to grow up and be an adult.   My mom should have smacked me. 

Today I woke up in a cheery mood.  My dark twisty place is still there with the porch light on tempting me to walk in.  But today, I think I’ll stay outside and enjoy the sunshine before the storms come in.  One day at a time, that’s all we can do.  We pray for our health, we pray for our children to be healthy and successful and safe, we pray for peace of mind and today I will pray for peace in my enemies.  Maybe if someone steps up and tries to be the good guy it will become a trend.   I will pray for my family and my husband for having to deal with me.  And last but not least, I will pray that the UPS man doesn’t lose any of my precious packages from my twisty place shopping spree that Big Chief doesn’t need to know about.   And I will dance it out to the Bee Gees.

NORDSTROM ANNIVERSAY SALE EDITION!!!

Nordstrom

All right Nordstrom Lovers, its almost time for the public to begin the madness of the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale.  #NSALE to the rest of the world.  If you’re new to this phenomenon let me school you.  This is the sale to end all sales.  Dedicated shopaholic fashionistas wait all year for this one!!  It’s the sale that you literally make a list, map out your route, plan your protein powered up breakfast and put on the best Addidas jogging suit you have and you GO GO GO!!!  If you’re like me and not fortunate enough to live close enough to an actual store then you have the Internet.  The last couple of years I’ve had to use the Internet and I’ve found, I think I almost like that better.  I can sit in a fashion coma for 12 straight hours in my polo jammies and drink Mt. Dew and stalk.  For a week before this sale starts I begin loading my cart.   A lot of their exclusive sale items won’t even be on the website until the sale opens, but at least you can get a heads up.  If you're a Nordstrom Rewards shopper you will get your catalog a few weeks beforehand.

SO, what are we getting???  This is the time of the year you want to examine your closet and inspect your basics.   Because this is the best time to get your layers and staples.  Don’t be an amateur, you really want to stock up on these items first because they will go fast.   You’re going to be looking for soft layering tees, turtlenecks and shells, cardigans, leggings and jeans.  Nordstrom has a lot of brands that are exclusive to their store.  I was skeptical at first being a “name brand snob” but I have to tell you, that for the price and the quality, you cannot and will not go wrong with their brands.  I absolutely LOVE, their Leith line, Halogen, and Socialite.  And this year B.P. has taken over the sale and I’m excited to try their stuff.  Oh yes, it’s coming this week!   Next, designer items that are HOT are the next thing to go.  Tory Burch riding boots are over a $100 off right now, Hunter Boots are significantly reduced, Vince Camuto Booties are under $100, Ugg has a GORGEOUS knee high boot right now for $149.99,  and there’s a great new leather watch that’s showing up in EVERY blog, the Nixon Ragnar Square less than $150!!!  Also the Tory Burch mini cross body in burgundy is only $234 (normally $350)!!!! WHAT????  I know!   Its at this point my husband is reminding me we’re not rich.  I just ignore him.  But seriously, these items, especially the Tory Burch and Hunters you need to grab, because once their sold out they’re gone and if they restock, they will never be this price again the rest of the year, well, until the next sale next year!!  You feelin me????

With the Fall approaching its really hard to go from Summer to Fall but the styles and colors this year are going to make that transition so much easier.   Quite frankly this is the first year that I’m embracing the white pants after Labor Day!!  The struggle was real people.   Just about a month ago I acquired the all-elusive Stuart Weitzman OTK boots in a beautiful neutral not quite grey not quite beige color.  I’ll be wearing those over the aforementioned post Labor Day Hope My Grandmother Forgives Me white skinny jeans.    What can I say, they had a 40% off sale and when Stuart Weitzman boots are under $400 you don’t ask permission ladies, you ask for forgiveness….later…..much later!  But if you just can't bring yourself to do it, the Steve Madden dupe is also on sale for a great price, go ahead, you know you want to!!  The colors of Fall are beautiful this year, warm earth tones and dark burgundies!  I love a red, so when I saw that the dark burgundy was back in again this year I literally jumped for joy!  Halogen has a gorgeous OTK boot, considerably cheaper than the Stuart Weitzman for $109.00.   You’re doing yourself an injustice if you don’t look at it.   Not an OTK kind of gal? No problemo, there’s a gorgeous bootie by Alexander Wang making its rounds if you desire a luxury designer shoe.  If you’re a girl on a budget or the man has you on that leash, no worries…B.P. is a HOT brand this year with Nordstrom and they have a beautiful bootie for $79.00.   Booties are still the trend, in case you didn’t notice.  Embrace the bootie!  Tom’s has a really cute, every day lace up wedge bootie that I bought last year.  It quickly became my favorite shoe.  You can wear these with EVERYTHING. 

Being back in the south where we have seasons I really wanted to focus my own wardrobe on items I could wear on the weekends out with the kids, or on a fun date night OR the Event of the YEAR the annual Peanut Festival.  I wanted to be able to layer because you never know if the day is going to be 80 degrees and end up being 57 degrees by the time the sun goes down.   I found that there are 2 great finds you most definitely have to check out.  The B.P. Adorandak Cargo Jacket and the  Thread and Supply Utility vest.  Both are in olive green and very on point for this year to be layered with those staple soft tees I told you about and also flannel shirts!  Flannel shirts are back again.  I personally went with the vest because I’m hot natured and coats weigh me down.   But I can pair this really cute vest with the new blanket scarf, which is on sale for under $20 (normally $38!!).  I got the pretty beige and burgundy to accent the green.  The perfect things to add to your AG jeans that are ridiculously cheap this year and the chestnut Vince Camuto Booties.  These booties are the "IT" bootie this year.  It sold out within minutes everytime I put it my cart!  I did end up getting it.   I also splurged on a new Fall beige wool fedora wide brimmed hat under $20!  

It took me three days to achieve all my Nordstrom Sale items that I wanted and needed and to justify in my head WHY I needed them.  Multiple times my cart would say an item I had added had sold out before I could check out.  Don’t get discouraged.  Do not delete these items from your cart.  Just move them down to the SAVE section and when they restock or someone returns an item it will show up as available in your cart.  Believe me, I had heart palpitations over those chestnut Vince Camutos and my soft burgundy Cardigan!!!  I felt like I was back in a bidding war on Ebay, when Ebay was new.  The items you really didn’t know if you wanted but then they were gone and that’s how you knew you couldn’t live life with out that windowpane check Leith Blouse.  I stayed the course and ended up with my prizes!  So stay strong!   I’m going to showcase what I felt were the big winners in this sale and maybe this will help you to make your game plan.  You have a couple of days left to plan.  AND the catalog is online so that you can sneak peek everything and make your list.   I hope you get FABULOUS FINDS and please, share what you got, I’d love to know how your trip went!  And post a pic I’m dying to see how everyone is styling your finds!  I’ll be blogging my finds soon……as soon as all my packages arrive and I’ve snuck the evidence by Big Chief!

STAPLE FINDS:

All of these are great because you can layer, layer, layer and add on the accessories!  Big scarves, watches and bracelets!  Don't forget a cute hat!

BP Open Front Cardigan

AG Jeans Legging Ankle

Leith Shawl Collar Cocoon Cardigan

BP Stripe Crew

Lush V-Neck Crepe Blouse

BP Plaid Tunic

TRENDY:

All the bloggers are dawning the shift dresses and bell sleeves.  Great to add a cardi to and dress down or up with your new cute booties!  A pair of tights and knee boots takes this look to nighttime. Play around with them, add cute strappy flats or this would be a good time to wear those leopard flats.  Big piece of gold jewelry like a bracelet and a monogram necklace. These jackets are my faves this year.  I can't wait to add this vest to some cool jeans and my blanket scarf!  

BP Anorak Cargo Jacket

Lush Whitney Bell Sleeve

Leith Doman Dress

Thread & Supply Utility Vest

SHOES/BOOTS:

Ugg, Tory Burch, Vince Camuto, Steve Madden, Halogen....I can't really say anything else about these.  HUGE, I mean YUGE SAVINGS here!  I wish I could have every color in every brand!  The brown leather on those Tory's are to die for!

ToTory Burch Ashlynn

Halogen Noble OTK

BP Tandem Bootie

Ugg Ava Tall Boot

Vince Camuto Feina bootie

Halogen Flat

Hunter Boots

Steve Madden OTK boot

ACCESSORIES:

Every girl needs a statement piece and a great handbag.  You shouldn't leave the house without either. And invest in good quality.  As we've just learned this year, your handbags could be an investment!  I never leave the house without a GREAT bag and my Movado!  Its my signature.  The two bags I've tagged are the go to styles this year and from last year as well, so it seems to be sticking.  You really can't go wrong with classic styles.

Rebecca Minkoff Vanity

Tory Burch Mini Crossbody

Plaid Blanket Scarf

Wool Fedora

Wool Hat

Nixon Ragnar Watch

Give us your Pokémon or Die

There are few things in this life that I devote hours upon hours upon hours that I can’t get back.  TV.   If there were a self-help group for people who watch ridiculous amounts of TV I would be a lifetime member.  Everything I do is literally planned around my TV shows and meals.  I am the real life Peggy Bundy.  There are people in this world that can boast all kinds of great attributes and talents.  My talent is that I can tell you in great depths about every single episode and the music that was featured in every single episode of Miami Vice.  I also can tell you the fictional address of the house that Roseanne lived at in Lanford, Illinois.   What can I say I have a gift. 

Right now I’m in limbo in this crazy thing called life so I’ve had some extra unwanted time on my hands during our transition, and with the Summer here, I’ve found myself wrapped in my new TV toy the ROKU stick.  I’ve discovered a whole new level of TV watching I didn’t know was possible.   Not only can I watch series’ that I missed out on and wanted to catch up I can also take a trip to the way back…circa 1992 and started watching Melrose Place again!  Because that’s what I needed in my own life…more cray cray.   I do miss those 1997 Ally McBeal skirts and pastel suits though!   My possibilities are endless on this little stick.  I even have a channel dedicated Lifetime Movies…for those times when you’re not depressed enough and the Xanax hasn’t quite kicked in yet.

But a few days ago while I was in the middle of Kimberly blowing up the apartment complex at Melrose Place and planning my Nordstrom Sale shopping cart online this new phenomenon was sweeping my Facebook feed.  Pokémon GO.  What is a Pokémon GO?  Well the first thing I did was download it.   That was the worst thing I could have done.

I’ve been playing the Pokémon GO since last week and I can’t tell you what one is as I never played or watched this as a kid.  I’m sure there’s some unwritten rule in the world of geekdom that is chanting SHAME, SHAME, SHAME right now, but it is what it is.  I liked going to the mall,  boys and madonna videos when I was a kid, not a red and white Japanese ball that eats critters.  But look at me now, I’ve found myself chasing these little boogers everywhere.  I’ve become addicted to the Pokémon! 

I have found myself sneaking out in the middle of the afternoon to drive all over the city to look for Pokestops to get my eggs to hatch the Pokes.  I’m sure all my lingo here is wrong but bare with me.  During dinner tonight we ate at an actual Pokestop.  So every ten minutes I was spinning my big neon blue wheel to get Pokeballs and potions and eggs!!!  At one point the man actually yelled across the table….DEANA RAE!  Now normally that would be about the time I might throw beer cheese on him but I realized, that this whole Poke phenomenon had sucked me.  Was I too deep?  I joined the local PokeGO Facebook group.  I realized, I’m not alone.  There are people out there way more dedicated than I am that have Pokémon hunting expeditions.  Who knew???   AND then the mother of all ads popped up, on a military spouse page of all areas…..the dependa have found new ways to make ends meet.   They will actually drive you around and be your chauffeur to hunt the Pokémon!  OH, you have to go to work, no problem, for a $100 a nice lady in Missouri will take your phone and drive around all day and catch the Pokémon, she even promises that she knows where all the rare sightings are and can “guarantee” you she’ll get those.   Seems legit.   Maybe I should rethink my career options!  And here I thought Uber driver was my ticket to get rich quick! 

It wasn’t bad enough that I drug myself and my 3 kids into this world.  Yes, I may have lured them out in the town (cause they HATE town) with the impression that we were going to get Ice Cream, all along we drove to the Jehovah Witness Temple so that I could claim my four balls and potions!   Oddly enough, churches seem to be the hub for Pokestops just in case you’re out there being crazy with me.   They were all into it for about 15 minutes until their spidey senses picked up that we weren’t driving anywhere near where the coveted ice cream is!  THE ONE TIME you need them to not be observant of anything going around them, they pick this day!  I also decided, along with a co-conspirator who will remain nameless, that my husband needed to join in the fun.  Because you see, at some point I may need him to “transfer” his loot to me!!!   All along he had publicly shamed me on my new addiction but my instincts told me I would eventually get him on board.   Eventually my constant demeaning and refusal to ever cook him anything that didn’t contain sour cream or mayonnaise won.  He’s on board.  I’ve reeled him in.  Welcome to the club, darlin….We’re going to have so much fun! 

Now that the whole family is on board and we’re all out looking like maniacs walking through the neighbor’s yard and stalking the local churches at least 10 times a day the real fun can begin.  As long as my daughter doesn’t take my phone and burn through all 83 of my Pokeballs on one rattata again, we will all be just fine.   There really is nothing more pitiful than a grown woman on the verge of tears because all of her Pokeballs are gone.  I bet there’s a self-help group out there for people like me.   Lord knows, we don’t need to relive the great Mafia Wars and Farmtown incident of 2009!

Pretty soon the kids will be going back to school and the man will be in his routine knitting that blanket of freedom and I’ll be able to start  the three new TV series I have loaded up in my ROKU and will be able to go roam the city all willy nilly by myself hunting these wiley critters!    So to that I say…Game on Fellow Nerds!